Life Lessons Learned at (almost) 60

I will be sixty years old in two years. I can’t believe it myself. There are some benefits, however, to growing old gracefully, especially if you learn a few lessons along the way. Here are a few very important lessons I have learned through the years…

Don’t believe everything you see in the movies…everyone has bad breath and looks ugly in the morning. Don’t worry about it; just roll over and go back to sleep. You can deal with it later.

No matter how much exercise you do, eventually your breasts will sag and your ass will acquire dimples around age 50. If I knew that fact when I was younger, I would have spent less time sweating on the stationary bike and more time sitting on my dimples writing. I might have won the Pulitzer Prize by now.

There is no law written that says you can’t wear the same dress to your cousin’s wedding, your nephew’s wedding and your friend’s son’s wedding. The truth is that, unless you come out swinging upside down from a trapeze in an outfit designed by Lady Gaga, no one - not even your husband - will remember what you were wearing at the last wedding.

Remember how much weight you lost last summer? Remember how you swore up and down that you would never gain it back? Well, take my advice and hold on to those big black stretch pants a little longer, because they may be the only things that fit you when winter is over and you start your diet all over again.

Most people look ridiculous when they dance, so get out there, enjoy yourself and cut loose. Unless you’re dancing like Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers, nobody is watching you.

No matter how much you swear that you won’t become your Italian grandmother with a mustache and flappy arms…you become her. You can’t fight genetics, so don’t even try. Just remember how much you loved your Italian grandmother.

Viagra does not make sex better; it just prolongs it.

Sixty is not the new thirty. Sixty is sixty, and you should be happy you made it this far!