Colonoscopy Prep: Do’s and Don’ts

I had a colonoscopy on Monday afternoon, so you know what I was doing all day Sunday.  It wasn’t so bad, though.  This time I did things right.


I had my first colonoscopy in 2000.  What did I know back then?  They sent me home with the instruction sheet and the directions said, “eat a normal breakfast and a light lunch and begin drinking the prepared liquid at 3:00 PM.”  So what did I do?  I ate a large breakfast like it was Fat Tuesday and a lunch the size of the Last Supper.

While I was scoffing up a plate of spaghetti and meatballs for lunch my husband was shaking his head in disbelief.  “You’ll be sorry,” he said.

“Why?” I asked flippantly, while buttering another slice of Italian bread. “If I’m going to lose it all anyway, I might as well enjoy it going down. Besides, I won’t be able to eat again for 24 hours...I’ll need my strength.”

I spent the rest of the evening gagging over the kitchen sink trying to shove down another glass of golytely (that godawful drink that tastes like slimy salt water) on top of my already pasta filled stomach.  I didn’t sleep all night - for obvious reasons.  My stomach was blowing up like I was 9 months pregnant as I cursed every crumb, every bite, every piece of food that had to push through my gastrointestinal tract.  I even got mad at my husband - the sound of him snoring in a deep sleep, while I was suffering.

This time I did it right.  I was prepared and wizened to the do’s and don’ts of the colonoscopy prep.  I tried to have a positive attitude about the whole process.  I bought some lemon jello, white grape juice, chicken broth, blue Gatorade. I tried some reverse psychology with everyone, saying, “These are my special foods for tomorrow and you can’t have any.”  But they just laughed me off  - sure, mom, no problem.  

The night before, I hummed a happy tune while stirring the jello, I admired the beautiful blue of the Gatorade, I lined up a book to read and began thinking of the one good thing about a colonoscopy:  those few moments before you drift off into that happy sleep.  It’s the only time I don’t mind a doctor coming at me with a needle in hand.

It’s only a few seconds, between the time the anaesthesiologist says, “you might feel a little dizzy, a little tingly,” and the time you are totally knocked out.  But in those few seconds,  there is a bliss that comes over you - a tingling around the forehead, the relaxation of all tension, a warmth flowing through the body.  It’s the best feeling - that twilight moment before the dead sleep and no feeling at all.

So, how pitiful is my life, you must be thinking, that I have to look forward to feeling high from anaesthesia?  The truth is, I can’t drink alcohol; it makes me overheat with just one sip. I don’t smoke pot. I get hot flashes and itchy skin when I drink wine.  So I found the one bright moment in a colonoscopy - when I can get high and enjoy it.

Call me weird, but I had to find something to look forward to in this whole process, or I would never schedule another one again.